Shrek's New Annoyance v2
by RMP
Summary: You may have read the original. But you've never read this one! New and improved with better jokes, better English, and more cheesiness than ever! This story has the same basic plot as the original also written by me so old readers will probably recognize
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. (DUUH!)

Reclaimer: I did write this story, though, so I therefore own it, rite?

And a note: In the old version of this, everyone assumed I hated Harry and was making fun of him. THIS ISN'T TRUE! I'm a huge fan of Harry, but I also have a sense of humor and I'm willing to poke a little fun at my favorite fandoms in the name of a good fanfiction!

**Chapter 1**

Shrek kicked the door to his wooden port-a-potty open, angry about being interrupted while reading his favorite fairy tale.

"Alright, who's playing that annoying music!"

Someone stepped out from behind a tree holding a CD player. He pressed the stop button and dropped the player on the ground before exclaiming, "I'm Harry Potter! I'll be tagging along on the adventure you're about to have!"

Shrek frowned. He didn't approve of anything fun, exciting, or otherwise enjoyable, and adventure was definitely not on his list of things he wanted to do before he died.

"What adventure?"

"The one you'll have!" Harry said dramatically. He dropped to the ground in a pretend faint to increase the drama.

----

Later, as Shrek posted up a sign saying "Free Wizard for Sale" in the middle of the woods (where EVERYONE would see it, obviously), and Harry counted flowers, a donkey rammed into Shrek's butt.

"WHAT? Who's come to annoy me NOW?" Shrek yelled angrily.

The donkey let out a squeal and hid behind Shrek's rather enormous frame as a group of guards marched up.

"By order of Lord Farquad, all three of you are under arrest," one of the guards stepped forward and said shakily.

"Oh yea?" Shrek asked.

"YEA!" all the guards yelled together. Then, seeing the look on the ogre's face, they said, "um, no… not really. Can we run away screaming now?"

"Sure," Shrek said, smiling for once in his life.

Before the guards could turn and run, Harry started screaming various incantations and waving his wand at them.

"Crucio! Avada Kedavra! Stupefy! Expelliarmus! Petrificus Totalus!"

By that time there were no guards left, so the trio considered the battle won.

Shrek walked off, and Harry and donkey followed.

"Wow! That was cool! First you were all 'RAWR!' and then you started yelling out those funny words and they all just dropped dead! That was cool! I wish I could do it. We would make a great team, us three. You guys can fight off all the enemies and I can be the brains. I can see it now! We'd be like the Three Musketeers!"

"So what are your names? I'm Donkey. Bet you didn't guess that one."

"Shrek," came the annoyed reply.

Harry responded with an enthusiastic "Harry Potter!" and then begged to ride on Donkey's back. Donkey finally agreed and then turned to Shrek.

"So, can I stay with you guys or what?"

"Sure! Why not? I mean, I already have one annoying tag-along, why not complete the collection, right? And if I'm lucky, you and Harry might become great friends and run off, WITHOUT ME!" Shrek replied sarcastically.

"Onkey donkey!" Donkey replied excitedly, completely oblivious to the sarcasm.

When they got back to Shrek's swamp, Donkey decided to make waffles for all three to celebrate the occasion. After eating them, a blind mouse mistook Shrek's ear for a delicious hunk of cheese and took a bite out of it. This sent Shrek into a rampage and he ran all the way to Duloc to sue Lord Farquad for allowing blind mice in the kingdom. Harry and Donkey faithfully followed, mostly because they had nothing better to do.

In the end, rather than getting to sue Lord Farquad, they were bribed into rescuing a princess from a dragon guarded castle.

So Harry had been right all along. Shrek was going on an adventure.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Later, the three were wandering through a cornfield somewhere, completely lost and considering stopping to ask a scarecrow for directions. However, their manly sense of pride and direction got the best of them and they decided to keep wandering.

Shrek was attempting to explain to Harry and Donkey the finer points of onion and ogre similarities while they sang a rousing chorus of "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves!"

After Shrek finished his onion speech, he noticed the singing. He tried to tune it out, but failed horribly.

"Stop SINGING!" he ordered irritably.

Harry and Donkey abruptly stopped and stared.

"Alright, Mr. Professor Snape, Jr.!" Harry replied sarcastically.

"I don't know who Professor Snape, Jr. is but I do know that I'm an ogre and I can eat you if you don't do as I say!" Shrek said. Then he said rather sadly, "You're supposed to be _afraid_ of me."

"But you look so marshmellowy to me," Donkey said.

"Wow, what's that nasty smell?" Harry asked, sniffing the air.

"Shrek! You should let us know before you let one out like that!"

"That wasn't me, it's the rock over there," Shrek said.

"Rocks don't smell like that. They have that chalky kind of smell," Harry pointed out.

"Whatever," Shrek said, realizing that he was wrong and Harry was right.

"Ooo, look at the big castle!" Donkey said in awe.

"So this is where the princess lives?" Harry asked.

"Yep," Shrek replied. They came up on a huge pit of lava. A small wooden bridge hung haphazardly over it, the only link between the ledge they were on and the castle.

"It's a good thing I'm not mean enough to push either of you into this pit of lava, right?" Shrek asked innocently.

Harry gasped, "You wouldn't dare!"

"Aw, you know I'm no good at violence."

"Okay, you guys. Mission aborted. I don't do well with rickety bridges and boiling lava. Let's go home!" Donkey said hopefully.

"You aren't _scared_ are you?" Shrek teased.

"ARE YOU CRAZY?" Donkey asked. "I'm not going over that thing! Period."

"I'll fix it!" Harry yelled excitedly. He waved his wand and yelled out some gibberish incantation, and the bridge in front of them changed from wood to string.

"Oh, thanks, Harry," Donkey said, rolling his eyes, "That makes me feel SO much better!"

"I try," Harry said happily.

"Okay, I'm not crossing that thing either. Try again, Potter boy!" Shrek ordered.

Harry yelled another unrecognizable word, and the bridge turned to metal.

"Much better," Donkey said, "Race you to the other side!"

Harry just apparated to the other side while Shrek and Donkey ran full speed.

"I WIN!" Harry yelled.

"No fair you cheated!" Donkey cried.

"Prove it," Harry said slyly.

Once inside, Harry and Donkey took one look at the armor left over from knights who had fought with the dragon before and decided they didn't like this place.

"Okay, Shrek, we really should just go home, don't you think?" Donkey asked.

"Oh, nonsense. I'm much scarier than any dragon," Shrek asked.

"DRAGON!" Harry screamed when a rat ran across a piece of armor. "Oh, no, rat. I knew that."

Shrek grabbed some armor and started pulling it on. "You two find some steps, and I'll go find the dragon."

"Sounds like a great plan to me!" Donkey said. Harry and Donkey went in one direction while Shrek went the other.

They found a doorway and went in. It was a dark room with a crack in the wall at the end. Harry and Donkey moved in farther to investigate.

What they saw beyond that crack scarred them for the rest of their lives.

Two dragons were cuddled up together, puffing smoke at each other. Donkey couldn't help himself.

"DRAGONS! NOT ONE! TWO! THERE'S TWO, HARRY! RUN, HARRY! AAAH!"

They both turned and ran as fast as they could. The two dragons just looked at them funny and then resumed their activities.

The two ran right into Shrek, which knocked them all onto a loose board. Just then, a spurt of lava shot up, shooting all three high up into the air. Donkey and Harry closed their eyes and hugged each other, screaming for their lives.

When the three landed, they were in a tower. They brushed themselves off and looked around.

"Well, that was easy," Shrek commented.

In the far corner of the room, next to a window, a shadowy figure lay with some withered flowers, waiting for them.


End file.
